I like to believe that I do my very best to “get it right”, but I know that I don’t know myself well enough to know if I’m doing anything right at all. Of course “right” is subjective, it is one side of the political scale and it is also a direction aaand it is also one side of my body… “right” is a lot of things. I could just not do anything at all and then no one could determine what I was getting right or wrong. I could throw myself out into an audience and make an absolute ass of myself and just not care. Then it wouldn’t matter what anyone thought… but I guess I’m still giving them a thought to have.
Why do I fear putting myself out there? Sometimes I feel content sitting at home folding paper and addressing envelopes. I know I can get this right. No one can judge the unknown. Actually you can judge the unknown. You can determine that whatever is unknown is unlikable because it won’t reveal itself, so you hate it. Fuck you unknown! Ah shucks unknown, you also excite me, you’re kind of what keeps me going each day. If I actually knew everything I would just give up and hang myself. There would be no need to keep searching for something new. I’d know it all, I’d know the course of my life, who I might fall in love with, where we’d live, where we’d die.
Instead I don’t know these things and I am happy to let life lead me by the nose. I can also create expectation in others by setting up other unknowns. Theatre is my tool for this. I can excite people by giving them just enough that they want more. I can play with lights and sound and performance. People want to see people. They want to see all the things in the human experience on display to remind them that they are normal. It’s reassuring to know that someone likes the same book, or the same pair of shoes. That’s who I’ll probably fall in love with…